lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
