this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
