You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
