Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Randomize