Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
