I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
