He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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