when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
