I'm so fucking centered right now
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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