does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize