so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
