Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
