You smell like stripper and shame
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
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I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
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My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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