If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
