When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
