You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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