I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Randomize
