WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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