I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
