Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Two words: nipple clamps
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