Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
