Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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