I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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