I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
