i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
