Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
