i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
