you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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