the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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