I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
