i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
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He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
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I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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