I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
