If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
