We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
