You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
