i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
