tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
