He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
