On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
