it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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