Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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