Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
