The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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