Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the condom got lost in my hair
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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