Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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