just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
