Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
