I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
