I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
