if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
