I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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