Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
