I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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