honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
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Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
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Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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