hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
