they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
